The Brutal Truth
Disclaimer: Before you read, I’d like to remind you that this blog post is going to be unapologetically savage. Read at your own risk.
Now that I got that out of my system, let’s start. I have always liked self-help books and articles. They are basically one of the tools that I use to give myself a good round of, figuratively, slaps in the face.
One of the things that are often a popular topic discussed in these books is toxic people. The topic basically revolves around identifying toxic people in your life, how they hold you down, how you can deal with them, or in some extreme cases, how to cut these people out of your life.
I personally don’t like to use the term toxic people for one reason, toxic is such a big word to use to describe people’s attitudes or behavior. Every time I hear the word toxic, I would imagine a situation that is excruciatingly painful and could lead to potentially horrifying death (dramatic, I know).
I prefer to use the term “difficult bastard” or “mind-blowingly unpleasant jackass”. But for the sake of practicality and also because toxicity really does exist in our relationships with other human beings, let’s agree to use the term “toxic people”.
Unless you Google “Am I the toxic one?” -which we can all agree that no one in their right mind would do this-, every time you Google the term “toxic people”, a gazillion results will come out and almost all of them would talk about the how to’s. “How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship” or “How to Tell When You’re in a Toxic Relationship”. But, here’s the thing though, while this topic can help you in dealing with toxic people in your life, it never actually addresses if you are one. Because, let’s be honest here, who likes to read an article about how shitty you are?
It’s almost as if every time you read about this topic, you are made to become the hero and that friend/acquaintance/family member of yours is the villain. They are the toxic influence that you desperately need to dismiss, you know, for self-growth and all that jazz and you are the knight in shining armor, riding a white horse, heading towards the sunset on the horizon with people cheering for your existence behind you. At least, this is how I feel every time I read about this topic.
Look, I’m going to say this plain, simple, and definitely not sugar-coated. We are all villains in someone else’s book, no matter how good we think we have been to people. Unbelievable! I know, right! Right about now your ego is probably ready to charge in defense, just like my ego was ready to slay this thought when it first arose in my conscience.
But this is a fact that we all have to accept whether we like it or not.
“WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS?” you ask in frustration. Well, because people are awful!
Jokes!
Okay, maybe I’m half-joking.
Some people ARE just mind-blowingly awful. And I know you agree with me.
The thing is there must be a reason why people can be so awful. Childhood trauma and unpleasant past experiences could be some of the things that cause most people to be the way they are. They affect how we perceive and respond to things and other people.
So, maybe there’s always a teeny tiny bit of possibility that we are the toxic one in our relationships (romantically or not) with other people. Because, let’s face it, we all have been inevitably exposed to past traumas and therefore we all perceive the world and all that comes with it differently. What is tolerable for you may not be tolerable for me and vice versa. The ability to understand that people operate and perceive things and/or situations differently will go a long way.
Throughout my life, I’ve had my fair share of losing friends. Some were because we just grew apart (which at the beginning was so hard for me to accept, I had abandonment issues, but that’s a story for another day) and some were because of incidents that happened during our friendship that made it impossible for us to keep being friends.
In the case of the latter, it is easier to play innocent, isn’t it? The good ol’ victim card. The -they started talking shit about me, I didn’t even know what I did- routine, combined with a pair of puppy eyes and possibly some tears to complete the agony of an innocent child being hurt. Not proud to admit this, but I used to be that person. Ugh, I know!
It is easier to point our fingers at other people and claim them as the problem, because, well, nobody wants to be the bad guy. Everybody wants to be that knight in shining armor who rides the horse towards the sunset. It is humans’ natural state to want to feel safe and secure, thus, putting the blame onto others.
But, let’s be honest here, nobody likes to be around a person who plays the victim card and is mind-blowingly oblivious to what they said/did wrong. This trait is toxic and borderline manipulative.
One of the lessons I learned from being the person who used to play the victim card is that I never grew. I was always in that space where I had to be right all the time and everyone else was on the wrong or at fault. I refuse to accept the fact that if others talk shit about me, there's a slight possibility that I treat them like shit. My ego was fed regularly and in the end, I became really toxic and lost friends left and right.
Another lesson that I learned is that if you keep losing people in your life because of the same thing, then maybe, just maybe... The problem is you. (Do I get to ride my horse and go towards the sunset now that I have stated this revelation? NO? Okay.)
But, guess what? Admitting that you are the problem, isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t mean you can’t be the knight in shining armor riding the horse towards the sunset (this analogy is getting old, isn’t it?). Admitting that you are the problem will benefit you more because you get to learn and understand yourself and others and eventually will make you a better person.
Look, we are all shitty people (yes, that includes me). And if after reading that sentence you go, “I'm not shitty I'm the kindest person who ever lived”, well guess what?! You’re extra shitty just for saying that. There’s a thin line between being confident and being narcissistic.
The truth is we all have our blind spots. We do or say things that affect other people in a different way than we intend to. Just for this reason only, if a person came up to you and told you that they have been hurt by the things you said and/or did, you don't get to defend yourself. You don't get to say “Oh well, you're just being sensitive. I don't think I'm wrong at all”. That makes you an even shittier person. You take that shit up, apologize, reflect and be more aware of what you say and or do in the future.
End of fucking story.