Let's Talk About Parenting

Disclaimer: I believe that good parents are those who are willing to change and adapt. With that said, in no way I am saying that I’m a better parent than any other parents out there. This is just a piece of my mind.

...Oh also, this entry is filled with one Black Mirror episode spoilers. But, it’s Black Mirror, even after reading spoilers, that series is still oh so good. I mean, it’s fucking Black Mirror, for God’s sake! I’ll try not to write too many spoilers, but I won’t promise anything.

There’s this one particular Black Mirror episode on Netflix that struck me to the core. It’s that one called “Arkangel”. This episode revolves around a super anxious mother in regards to external influence towards her child. Can’t really blame her, the world can be such a cruel place to live in sometimes. Anyway, in an attempt to shield her child from all the bad things that are happening in the world, she implanted this microchip inside the child’s brain that allows her to track the child’s location, what she’s seeing and hearing, and automatically censors all distressing stuff.

So the child pretty much spent her childhood and teenage years like a diamond wrapped in a safe bubble, safe from any harm the world could possibly cause. But as she grew older, she started to crave the freedom of exploring the world as it is and like most children, she started to rebel, causing the mother to become more paranoid and controlling. And it began, the war between a loving, caring, but afflicted with much guilt of her past regrets and anxiety mother and a hungry for an adventure in the real world and filled with curiosity child.

Hey, look at that, I didn’t spoil the ending!

As a parent to two daughters, not gonna lie, I’ve had my fair share of not being able to sleep at night thinking how am I gonna raise my children well. There were times where I wonder to myself "How the fuck am I going to do this???" I mean, it’s not like when I shoot my babies out of my vagina into the world, a manual book on parenting complete with step by step guide on how to deal with each child came out with them too. That would make things so much easier, wouldn’t it?!

Before I say more, I just want to say that I love both my parents so much, and in no way I am not grateful for them for bringing me into this world.

I was a product of old-school parenting. The type of parenting where my parents are the authoritative figure and they are always right, even when they are wrong. The type of parenting where my parents think that they have a say in every decision I make in life, even after I gave birth to children of my own. The type of parents who, despite their best interest and wanting what’s best for me, would force their thoughts and opinions onto me, as if they don’t trust that I can ever be a capable human being with my own thoughts and opinions.

With that being said, I don’t blame them for parenting me that way. They are also products of typical parenting that’s been passed down from generation to generation. With the very limited resources back in the day, it’s the only way they know how to do it. And honestly, it’s no one’s fault.

Clearly, my parents’ type of parenting is not ideal, proven by however many years I rebelled against them, and arguments with my mom were something that was common happening in our household. Their parenting style backfired on them hard. They created one stubborn, opinionated, rebellious child as a result of years of being suppressed and not allowed to experience life to its very core.

I remember a saying about relationships that basically says if you’re holding a handful of sand and you’re trying to move it to a different place, the harder you grip on the sand to prevent it from going anywhere, the less sand you’re going to have left in your hand. But if you just softly open your hand, creating a nice scoop, the more sand you have in your hand.

I feel like this can also be applied in parenting. The more we control our children, telling them what to do, shielding them from potential mistakes and pain, the less they are going to feel safe around us and the more they will stray. This is, of course, every parents’ nightmare!

I mean, think about this, Imagine you living in a situation where your life is being put under the microscope, your every move is controlled and you are not allowed any room for mistakes. And when mistakes do happen, you will be criticized and judged. How long does it take until you can’t handle it anymore and you do everything in your power to break free from that situation? And what will you do? Scream in frustration? Start plotting for an escape? Abruptly separate yourself from the situation? Or all of the above?

The problem with my parents’ type of parenting is that they based it on fear. Fear of one day their children are not gonna succeed in life, fear of them making mistakes in life, fear of their children being influenced by bad stuff from the external world, fear of the children repeating the same mistakes they once did and regret. Therefore they do whatever they can to make sure all of that doesn’t happen by trying to control my every step. But while they focus so much on that, they seem to forget that by doing that they are actually pushing me away from them.

Yes, I get it, especially because I am a mom and I’ve experienced excruciating labor pain while giving birth to my two daughters, as parents, we don’t want to see our children get hurt and making the same mistakes we did. But we also need to remember that we are who we are because of the mistakes we did. We learn from it and grow from it. And yes, ideally, we all want our children’s lives to not be tainted with tears and pain, and free of mistakes, but will they come out as somebody who is strong and resilient without any of that? I highly doubt it.

I did not have life handed to me on a silver platter. I struggled. I go down and when I do, I go down hard. I get back up, brush off my shoulders and I move on. I went through so many heartbreaks, rejections, disappointments while trying to keep my head up high. I made so many mistakes, and it’s a guarantee that I’ll do more in the future. And despite my parents’ fears, I’m actually doing quite well as a person.

Now that I have two daughters and realizing that my parent’s style of parenting was not ideal, I am on an endless journey of learning how to parent my children well. Why endless? Well, because I think as a parent I will never stop learning. There’s always something to discover. Especially because I have two daughters, I have more things to learn about. Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all thing. My girls are so different from one another. One is very sensitive, critical, and thinks with emotions and one has a who gives a fuck attitude, is very stubborn (like her momma), and critical even at the mere age of 6. One method of tantrum handling will work for one, but it may not work for the other. Isn’t parenting fun?! Ha.

I don’t want my daughters to feel scared to talk to me about certain stuff, like sex, LGBTQ, or whether or not they believe in God, just like I was scared to talk about certain stuff with my parents when I was growing up - which resulted in me finding out from external sources - therefore I try to always be open for them to talk about anything. I figured, it's better if they hear it from me than anybody else. I also have to remind myself constantly that eventually my daughters are gonna have their own life. They are going to step into the real world, experience life, and making life decisions on their own. And when this happens, I will try to provide them that non-judgmental safe space they can always come back to whenever they need. Life is tough enough, judgmental parents will only make it tougher.

Of course, all of this is not without a challenge. As a parent and having bits and pieces of my parents’ parenting blueprint, I have to admit, I do have that parent ego too sometimes. You know, that part of me that feels authoritative and controlling. But having a set of parents exactly just like that is a good reminder that I don’t want to put my daughters through that. I have to learn to trust that they are going to be okay despite the future mistakes and heartbreaks they are going to experience, just like I’m okay with all of that.

I feel like whoever is blessed with children, be it their biological children and/or through adoption, is not blessed because they have known enough to teach, but it’s because they still have so much to learn. Ever since I had my daughters, I have learned more about life than ever before. I learned about myself more. About what I like and dislike. I learned to change and adapt. I learned to love unconditionally. I learned to be less controlling and be more trusting. I learned that if I don’t want people to treat me in a certain way then I have to stop treating people a certain way.

At the end of the day, we’re not going to be there for our children forever. Death is inevitable. And when that day comes, I’d like to leave knowing that I have raised two beautiful souls who are confident, strong, and independent by providing enough space for them to bloom and letting them bloom the way they should be without breathing down their necks all the time.