Just Keep Swimming
“Your blog is okay, but it’s not THAT good. It’s almost as if you are just rambling with no point to be shared. Overall, your writing is lacking in personality, it just doesn’t touch people emotionally. It’s all over the place”
I remembered it as if it was yesterday when someone I was working for at the time said this to me. I even remembered how I felt to this day. Mind you, I’m not the type of person who couldn’t handle criticism. I handle them quite well. But, I recognize constructive criticism when I hear one, and this one was just not it.
Towards the end of 2020, I made a pretty bold decision to quit my stable 9-5 job and there was only one thing in mind I wanted to do; writing. Writing has been a huge part of my life. Ever since I was first introduced to my first diary when I was a teenager - yes, those “Dear Diary” moments - I grew fond of writing.
The reason being is that I was not, and still am, not good at expressing my emotions verbally. So writing is a way for me to freely say what I need and want to say without the feeling of being judged and I feel free to show vulnerability. For the record, it is totally okay to be vulnerable, something I’ve been learning. But that’s a story for another day.
Maybe it was the Sagittarius in me, maybe the stars were in alignment - if you’re into that kind of thing - or maybe it was my fear of getting stuck in a comfort zone, while my friends and human brain were saying “What the fuck? You’re quitting your stable job, in the middle of a pandemic, to pursue something that you’re not even sure you can make a living out of?!” I was determined with every single cell in my body that that was what I wanted to do and I was making the right decision.
Being a new content writer, I knew what I needed to do was to create a portfolio. And since I didn’t have much experience in making money through writing, I figured, I can just work on my blog, which at the time I’ve been managing for a year. I started pouring my heart and soul into my blog. I wrote more stories about self-development, I allowed myself to be vulnerable in all my writings, I opened up a lot through my blog. It was my baby that I felt proud of. So you can imagine how I was completely shattered when I heard that comment. My dreams came crumbling down faster than when they brought down the Berlin Wall.
I was never a superfan of Sex and The City, but there goes my Carrie Bradshaw dream!
Humans are funny that way, aren't they? You know you’re good at something, people around you tell you you’re good at that one thing. But there’s always that one person who will tell you you’re not good enough and sadly, their opinion is the one you choose to believe. And that’s exactly what happened to me.
I went on an existential crisis spiral soon after those words were said. My confidence in writing went from 100% to minus 1000%. I was devastated. I questioned my writing ability. I was reluctant to write anything for my blog and I felt like such a fraud.
It felt like my dreams had been shattered into a million pieces, I felt inadequate. I felt like all my efforts were for nothing. I felt like I have made the worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life when I decided I wanted to pursue a career in writing 100% a few months prior.
It was a horrible feeling. I felt like I suck at writing and had the thought of quitting my blog.
Fast forward to a few weeks after that comment, with very little confidence left in me, I decided to quit working for that person. It got to a point where I just felt so uninspired and it showed in my work. I don’t like doing things half-heartedly, so the situation was torturous for me physically and mentally.
Soon after I quit, I decided to take a break from the working world. I decided to take time for myself and really think of what I really want. Not long after that, I developed a thirst for writing again, something I haven’t felt for the last few months.
If there’s one thing I learned from the law of manifesting is that instead of trying to be, just be. So I did. I started making baby steps. As simple as advertising myself as a content writer all over my social media. Saying “Hi, I’m Sisi and I’m a content writer” every time I introduced myself to people, even though technically at the time I had not a single writing gig. I dove into learning more about becoming a good content writer, I devoured articles I could find online about writing tips, all the while looking for small writing gigs here and there.
Then work started flowing my way. Random people started contacting me asking if I can help write articles for them. I happily accepted.
At this point you might think everything is working out for me, right? Like a typical movie scenario where the underdog main character rises up after her lifelong dream has been shattered and with her newfound confidence, she finally lands a well-paid job and lives happily ever after, right?!
Nope.
In the middle of my hyped-up energy, determined to make my dreams come true, I went through several breakdowns. There were times where I felt like giving up, maybe what that person said was right, maybe I’m not as good at writing as I thought I was. There were even times where I considered going back to the 9-5 job I left in 2020. But it just didn’t feel right for me. That chapter of my life was nice and I’ll cherish it for the rest of my life, but it was a chapter that I’ve completed.
The fear of not being able to financially survive soon started to creep in too. Because even though I started getting writing gigs, they were all freelance-based with hourly rates. And as I still didn’t have that much experience to show for, I charged them with new freelance rates, which is not that high.
But my determination was - and still is - overflowingly strong. Despite the breakdowns, financial scare and a bit of self-doubt of the path I decided to take, it was during that time that I was convinced I was making the right move. It just felt right.
Also, I thought to myself if I gave up and didn’t give this a shot, I would regret it. I don’t want to be lying on my death bed thinking of that thing I should have, could have, would have done. That would so totally suck!
So these past couple of months I have received some positive feedback for my blog. Some I received from total strangers who stumbled upon my blog on the internet. Some reached out to me personally to tell me that my blog inspired them - I know right! Who knew this huge goofball can inspire others! Ha. -
I am slowly but surely putting my feet firmly into the world of writing and while I’m still at the very beginning of my journey as a writer, the experience I’ve had so far has been so humbling. I hope I’m not jinxing this, but It is starting to feel like all my efforts and determination is paying off. Slowly, but paying off regardless.
And yeah, even though the comment still haunts me every now and then, I decided to not let it bother me. The truth is I can’t make everybody happy and that’s definitely not my purpose in life. People have different standards and that’s okay. But it’s not my job to be on par with everyone’s standard. That would be one super exhausting life.
It took me a while to finally understand and accept this but if my blog (and everything else I do) does not meet one’s standard, honestly, that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I suck at writing, it just means that that person has a different taste to mine. I should not let others’ opinions dictate how I feel about my skills and ability and neither should you.
You do you, I do me.
End of story.
Look, don’t give up on your dreams, whatever they may be, as long as it doesn’t involve murdering other human beings, that is. Sure, there are going to be some people that put you down, keep your head up anyway. There are going to be times where you doubt yourself, keep going anyway. Don’t stop putting in small efforts that will support your goal to come to fruition. Every single bit of effort is going to pave your way to achieve your goals. Just like any other journey in life, the road is not going to be smooth all the time, perseverance and persistence are key.
Instead of asking “What if it doesn’t work out?” start asking “What if it does work out?” and see how a simple change to a question you ask yourself will change the course of your journey.
And in the words of Dori, the amnesiac blue tang fish in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming”
PS. Guess who just got a job as a writer for a lifestyle section at a magazine?! You guessed it, I did :)