Fuck It And Just Trust!

**WARNING: This blog post contains a lot of spiritual woo-woo. Read at your own risk**

Okay.

In case you don’t know me that well, I’d like to start this blog post with a piece of information that I don’t usually share with many people in my life.

I meditate.

I know, you’re probably thinking “Here’s another namaste wannabe”, but I find meditation to be comforting. Believe me when I say, my thoughts can be all over the place and so crippling a lot of times. Meditation works for me to quiet down these thoughts and connect myself back to my heart and what’s important at that very moment.

If you’re still reading and think that everything I said so far is woo-woo, well, things are about to go even more woo-woo. Ha. No, but, seriously.

I first started meditating a couple of years ago and mainly was only focusing on breath work to slow down my thoughts. But lately, whenever I meditate, not only that my thoughts are slowed down, I will get snippets of insights. Messages from my higher self, if you’d like to call it that. And these messages would come to me super clear and seem to always be the thing I need the most at that exact time.

Sounds like a load of bullshit, right? What kind of fuckery is this, yes? Agreed. This is really difficult to understand on a human level. Fuck, I still don’t understand nor do I believe it sometimes too!

Anyway, I had a friend texted me earlier reminding me about the total lunar eclipse that’s happening tonight - May 26, 2021 - and at the end of her message, she also said something about the perfect time to release everything that doesn’t serve me anymore.

I have always been fascinated by full moons. I mean, honestly, who doesn’t?! It’s the most beautiful thing ever. So when my friend told me that, the nerd in me was like “FUCK YEAH, LUNAR ECLIPSE, WOOOOOOOO!!!”

But what intrigued me the most was what she said in her last message. I seriously could use releasing some things that I believe don’t serve me anymore. Bye, Felicia!

So, I sat on my balcony watching this beautiful phenomenon happening before my very eyes. Then, I started meditating.

As I was meditating, focusing on silencing my thoughts and being still. Something interesting started happening. I kept seeing the word “Trust” over and over again. And I shit you not, at one point, I actually heard a whisper in my ear of exactly the same word. Shivers, right?!

As soon as I finished my meditation, I reflected back to the word that kept coming back to me.

Trust.

Here’s an honest truth. I have a major trust issue. Anyone in my inner circle of friends will happily vouch to this. This major trust issue I have is not only limited to my relationships with others, it also applies to my relationship with myself. Ding ding ding.. Self worth problem.

The funny thing is, when I kept seeing the word during my meditation, it did not feel like it has anything to do with the trust issue I have with other people, but more to the trust issue I have with myself.

Over the past few months, I have been doubting myself a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot, A LOT.

Questions like:

“Am I a good enough writer?”

“Do I even know how to write?”

“Will I succeed as a writer?”

“Am I strong enough to deal with problems in my life?”

And many more

These questions have been bugging me and quite honestly, there were moments where I would let myself drown in it. Obsessing about finding the answers, trying to prove that I am worthy and the more I obsessed and tried, the more crippled I was.

If I look back into my past, literally EVERYTHING has worked out. Not gonna lie, there were some super stressful moments in my life that I thought I’d never get through, but somehow I did. And I realized that in those moments, the more I stressed and obsessed, the more blinded I was to any solution and the more frustrated I got. But the more I gave in and trust, the easier it was for me to get through them and find solutions to whatever it was I was going through.

So, tonight was like a slap on my face. And I got slapped hard.

Seriously, these past few months would have been less stressful for me if I had just trust. Trust in myself. Trust that everything is going to unfold the way it should be. Trust that everything is going to work in my favor, whatever the outcome is.

It’s funny that it’s easier for us to trust in someone else and easily give them words of encouragement, but when it comes to trusting ourselves, we tend to struggle.

And yes, I know, the darkness of uncertainty is terrifying, I’m not even going to sugarcoat that shit. It tends to make us feel the need and want to control the situation, because let’s face it, uncertainty is something that makes us feel fearful, uncomfortable and helpless, therefore, our natural human reaction is needing and wanting to control it.

But, based on experience - that I have neglected to acknowledge these past few months - trying to control difficult situations only brought me stress, burn out, frustration and even more darkness.

Trust IS the light in that darkness. It’s that sense of knowing within your heart that no matter how difficult whatever it is you’re going through, eventually everything is going to be okay.

By now, you’re probably thinking “It’s easier said than done, Sisi”. Yes, of course. Hell, I still struggle sometimes with it too.

But hey, think about this for a second. Whatever difficulties you’re dealing with right now and you have tried many ways to solve it and none of them seem to work, maybe it is time for you to just trust that everything will work out. I’m not saying you should just lie in bed and start trusting everything will work out (oh how I wish it works that way).

I’m saying, at one point, you (and I) will have to decide “Fuck it, I’m not going to let this affect me anymore” and trust that every action you take will bring you to a solution, no matter how super unrelated to your problems the action is.

At the end of the day, trust is like that light at the end of a dark tunnel that guides you into safety and security. When everything fails, just TRUST. Trust that you can do it. Trust that you are strong enough to persist. Trust in yourself and your ability. Trust that you are enough and worthy.