Owning Being Alone

If you are an inhabitant of this planet called earth, chances are, just like me, you have been forced to stay and do everything at home for the past two months (and possibly more) because of the global pandemic that’s been happening. It’s been tough for all of us in so many different ways. I have to be honest, the first week of quarantine, I kept getting panic attacks. Mostly because I was terrified to get infected by the virus and not knowing what’s going to happen next.

But, if there’s one thing that I really enjoy a lot about this whole quarantine period, is the fact that I have a lot of time to be alone. As weird as that may sound and as much I said jokingly "This is the worst time to be single" to my friends, I actually see being alone as something that is very comforting. I mean, I enjoy socializing, but only if socializing means I’m doing something and/or meeting people that are worth my time and energy. And if you think I’m a snob for saying that, well, there’s not much I can do about it, really. You are, of course, entitled to your own opinion.

Contrary to people's assumption, I was never an extrovert. If I can trace back to my school years, I remember that I was always the weird loner who sat right in front of the teacher’s desk. That's right, the chair that no one in the class ever would sat on. The “hot seat” I believe some friends called it in the past. In university, I managed to make some friends, but only with a handful of people, and I was never involved in any group in particular. I tend to avoid these social groups as I find myself very awkward when being in a group filled with people I didn’t know.

There were times in the past where I would try to attend social gatherings and meet new people, just for the sake of normalcy. I mean, what is it that we didn’t do just to be considered as normal when we were growing up, right? But a lot of times, when I did this, I would feel drained. And the biggest consequence that I had to deal with was the fact that I felt like I was lost in this so-called process of being “normal”. So I stopped trying to be “normal”. I started to embrace the comfort of being alone and adopted the -if you can’t deal with that then leave me alone- attitude, which is probably what I want in the first place.

I find solitude in being alone. I see it as a way for me to grow. It’s a way for me to analyze deeper on my connections with other people and whether or not I need that connection in my life. Being alone allows me to get to know myself more, knowing what I want and why I want it. Being alone also allows me to be comfortable with all my flaws. I know I’m a mess, but I want to be the best possible mess I can be. And the only way to do that is by acknowledging my flaws, accepting them and if possible, working with them. Other than that, being alone gives me time to recharge my energy. Being around people drains my energy and often times when this happens, I feel mentally tired and usually results in me being cranky and whiny about everything. So, if you think about it, my alone time is really for your safety. You don’t want to deal with cranky Sisi, she’s annoying.

But don’t get me wrong though, just because I like being alone doesn’t mean that I’m lonely. I have enough friends in my life, granted, they are only as many as my fingers, but these are the people I trust and chose to be in my life. I do like to keep a small circle of friends, easier to maintain. Feeling comfortable with being alone was a -sober, no guns to my head- decision I made for the sake of me.

A friend confided in me a few weeks ago about how scared he was of being alone, he had just broken up with his long time partner and was at the brink of breaking down. He is an independent guy who had gone through half of his life doing things alone and yet the thought of being alone scares the shit out of him. I get it, the concept of being alone might sound scary for many people. Being alone means being alone with our thoughts and we all know that our thoughts can be scarier than any haunted house ever existed in the world. In many cases, many of us are guilty of using our connections with other people as a distraction (myself included at a point in my life). A form of escape from ourselves. We all have the tendency to refuse to delve deeper into ourselves because so many terrifying revelations are going to come out from there. But honestly, and as cliche as this may sound, at the end of the day we only have ourselves to rely on. The only person who is not going to lie to you is you.

So, take time for yourself, as scary as that may be. And see how much change you can experience from it.