Breathe and Let Go

If you're like me, meaning, kind of a nerd and enjoy scribbling down thoughts, chances are you own a notebook and some pens and pencils. These are somehow your best companions and of course, you would carry them around wherever you go, you know, for when inspiration or random thought strikes. For the longest time, I would only scribble down these thoughts with pencils. For me, it's practical and I can easily erase any mistakes in my scribble. But lately, I am determined to only write using a pen. "Why is this important information?" you asked. I promise you, I will answer that question. For now, let's just leave it at that. About a month ago, a friend and I were sitting at her dining table and having a conversation. She then told me that she had just bought a set of tarot cards and asked if I would volunteer to be the first person she reads. I thought "What could go wrong?!" so I said yes. She then continues shuffling her cards, asking me all sorts of questions about my current situation, then asked me what is it that I want to ask. I forgot what I specifically asked, but she then took out three cards and laid it out in front of her. She read the first two cards (a very spot-on reading, I have to say) and moved on to the third card, in which she said "You have to learn to let go". My eyebrows cringed in confusion. "Let go of what?" I asked. "Things you can't control" she replied. She resumed the reading, specifically on that damn third card, and said that the thing that is blocking me a lot from self-growth is my inability to let things I can't control go. I smiled in denial throughout the rest of the reading, not only because I was kind of freaked out of how spot-on that reading was, but also because just like any other self-improvement revelations I had experienced in my life, it was tough to accept at first. You see, the truth is and as much as I didn't want to admit, I do have the tendency of being controlling. I think we all are to an extent. In my case, perhaps it's because of the fact that I am the firstborn. I was raised in a way that things were expected of me. Things like, I am supposed to be a role model for my sibling, do things right and if I do things wrong, I should be able to get up and fix it. No room for mistakes type of thing. These expectations were the things that turned me into a perfectionist bitch. And as a perfectionist, letting go is difficult to do. Letting go means letting myself not being in control. Not being in control means chaos. Chaos means imperfection. An evil cycle, really. I used to be controlling of my brother. He's 14 years younger than me and being the older sister I felt obligated to tell him what to do and expect him to do things in a certain way. Especially after my dad's passing, I became so obsessed with making him a man that my dad was. I was tough on him, not accepting anything that didn't go by my standard of what a man is supposed to be. I neglected the fact that he is not my dad, he's a whole different person than my dad. I think that at some point, whether he wants to admit it or not, he might have hated my guts for doing that. We would get into fights and arguments, mostly because he was not doing and/or acting as I wanted him to. The fact of the matter is we can't always control everything, be it people and/or situations. What we can control is how we respond to people and/or situations. I get it, we all at one point had strong desires to "fix what's wrong" even when there is nothing wrong and honestly, there is nothing wrong with that. It's our nature as humans. But, to do it when it's affecting other people in a way that they have to level up to your standard, is just straight-up wrong. I was wrong for doing that to my brother. Look, whether we like it or not, there are some things in life that we have to let go of. Often times, these things are the things that are blocking us from becoming a better version of ourselves. Trying to change people/things/situations that are not in our control consumes a lot of energy and time. It is exhausting. That time and energy would benefit you more when you put it into good use, on things you CAN control, like your thoughts and actions for instance. At the end of the day, people/things/situations did not come with a set of remote control, so why do we feel the need to control them? Now, back to the pencil vs pen situation, as simple as it is, I see it as a way for me to learn to be less controlling. To be less of a perfectionist than I was. Yes, writing with a pencil is easy and lessen the possibility of having scratches of unwanted thoughts in my notebook, but it also restricts me from letting go of my mistakes. In writing, that is. By writing with a pen, I allow myself to be susceptible to mistakes and learning from it. In a bigger picture, I'm allowing myself to let go of things I can't control and accepting the fact that imperfections are okay. Thriving for perfection is no longer my thing, I just make sure that I'm doing my best. And after all my best is done, I let go. P.S. I am proud to admit that my brother has become a wonderful, kind, and thoughtful man. None of that was my doing. It was 100% him.